"I have spoken of the learning of Ligeia: it was immense --such as I have never known in woman. . . . That she loved me I should not have doubted; and I might have been easily aware that, in a bosom such as hers, love would have reigned no ordinary passion.... "
It seems slightly absurd that Poe's prose would be at all appropriate for the initial reflections of why I wanted to create this blog about my desires for a fulfilling and romantic D/s relationship, but there is a dichotomy present in this story that has always stuck with me since first reading it over 10 years ago. The narrator desires the Lady Ligeia with intense and passionate, yet unconventional love, and when he tries to soothe his grief after Lady Ligeia's passing with a more traditional love, it proves unsatisfying for him, so much so that drug-induced visions see Ligeia rise from the dead to inhabit Lady Rowena's body.
My own feeling of wanting something more than the traditional love most couples experience has been something I could never really put my finger on. For a long time I dismissed this feeling as nothing more than being spoiled and stubborn in my ways, and I wondered if it would ever be possible to find someone that was willing to do everything they way I would want, from submitting to kinky sex to tending to household chores to obeying a schedule I would determine to raising children. However, traditional gender roles within my extended family made me feel that I would eventually have to find areas in which to compromise my overall desires for my own life and assume a life only partially satisfying. Consider this my official denouncement of that willingness to compromise.
At the risk of boring everyone to death, let's get down to some basics about me and what I can say about my dominant tendencies to date. I have early memories of enjoying a more dominant role, particularly as it relates to men, everything from dressing my younger brother as a ballerina complete with nail polish for the sole purpose of amusing myself to physically hurting boys I disagreed with growing up. I have always gravitated towards men that were more reserved than I am, sensing an ability to bend them to my desires in one form or another. And as my sexual desires have become more clear over the course of past relationships and the subsequent rebounds, I know that I am ever attracted to bondage and other forms of sexual control and blurring the line between pain and pleasure in a cathartic escape from daily stresses.
Over the course of this past year, I have been dating a submissive man that was quick to confess that his sexual desires were kinky, so kinky that chastity and pegging were something important enough to him that he felt the need to put them on the table within the first few weeks of knowing each other. Having only experienced dominant anal play with a rebound since my last serious relationship, I was eager to explore these kinks, but I'll tell you more about myself and my relationship with pet in the coming days and weeks... [Edited note: pet says that I was more into pegging, as I'm the one with the ass fetish, but I reminded him that I had not pegged anyone with an actual strap on, and that he was the one with the Feeldoe.]
In short, I know that there is a space in which traditional romance and family life can exist within the context of a D/s relationship, and I've begun to accept that anything short of that dynamic would leave me unsatisfied with life. The only problem is that it's much easier to adapt to the traditional gender roles I was raised to understand. So it's now a matter of reprogramming myself to focus on the desires that will truly make me happy over the course of my life, and the more I discover about myself, the more interesting this whole thing will become...
